Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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