I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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