Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
