your room smells of hookers.
And success
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
