i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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