I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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