I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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