i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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