my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
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