a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
