She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
