LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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