Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
