im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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