Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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