You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
