if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
