if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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