I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
