Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
