I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
