You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
