I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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