goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
