How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im six kinds of drunk right now
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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