I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
