Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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