i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
