new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
