So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
