the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
