: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
