also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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