my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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