Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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