the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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