More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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