I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
