I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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