I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
