you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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