Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
