I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have post one night stand depression
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