How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
