if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
