Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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