After last night, I could never be a politician.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
