alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
