Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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