I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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