Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
