i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
