3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
