I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
