At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
