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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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